I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
