dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
