Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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