I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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