In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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