Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
