Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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