Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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