Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
