i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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