bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
