what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
