Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
