At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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