There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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