my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
