I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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