Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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