my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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