Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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