if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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