i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
