Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize