i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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