I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
