I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
