I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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