Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
