My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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