He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I want to be your penis for a week.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
