On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
