Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
