I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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