I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
