Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
