I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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