Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
