i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
