when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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