I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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