Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
