Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
