i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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