remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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