Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
