You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
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