a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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