Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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