Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
