I wish I could punch you in the face.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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