I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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