i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
