I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
