At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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