I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
