We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
