went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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