final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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