You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
