hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
