Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I intend to get homeless drunk
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize