My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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