moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
