But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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