rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
