Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
