we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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